Palomino and Hiking to the lost city

For my dad’s last few days we rented a hut right on the beach, it was basic, but the location was amazing.

Waking up to this on a morning was fucking lush!

We didn’t do much for four days except swimming in the sea, wandering the beach and the odd yoga class. The perfect end to the old man’s month long holiday. He absolutely loved it and was a great guy to travel with. It was brilliant to have an adventure with him as it’s something alot of father and sons don’t get the chance to do.. I reckon he’s got atleast one more in him before he’s too old! I’m definitely going to miss him out here x

Palomino is a chilled out little town perfect for being a beach bum for a few days

I said goodbye to the old man as he headed to the airport and I headed to Santa Marta to get my hiking shoes on in search of the lost city! As luck would have it Turcol was located next door to my hotel so I booked up with them and set of the following morning for 4 days of sweaty jungle hiking.

60km jungle treck up a down a fucking mountain.. not a problem for team Cutchi Cutchi!

I was really lucky to be in a small group with a great Dutch Couple René and Katja who, as luck would have it had a sense of humour as dark and fucked up as mine! Our guides Janeth and Sergio were fucking awesome and looked after us the whole time, even sorting me out with double food portions to satisfy my abnormal apitite!

I was expecting shitty food so packed a carrier bag full of rations.. luckily the food on the trip was spot on and they definitely didn’t let us go hungry!

The first morning we left the Turcol office and drove 2 hours in the bumpiest jeep ride I’ve ever experienced to the start of the trek where we had lunch and began our hike. The first day consisted of 4 and a half hours of steep inclines.. for me this was ok, I’m pretty good at going up hill so enjoyed getting to know the team and taking in the beautiful mountain scenary. We reached the first camp, had our meal and headed to bed for the night.

The second day is where the real work began.. we were woken at 5am for breakfast at 5.30 and on the trail by 6am for 7 hours of hiking. This is also where the first scandal occurred.. some dirty bitch had shat all over the toilet seat in the girls bathroom! Straight away I was reminded of the “phantom shitter” who unleashed a wave of brown terror at St Brendans college during our teenage years!

The Infamous coca plant.. it takes 1kg of leaves to make a gram of the white stuff!

Personally I found this day the hardest and it was made worse by the rain that hit us in the afternoon but we knew what we’d signed up for. We got to swim in the river at lunch time which was a nice way of cooling down! That morning was also our first contact with the indigenous people who lived on the mountain.. I won’t sugar coat this, these guys are inbred to fuck and alot of them seem severly retarded. Generations of fucking their family members seems to have caused them to forget their useful skills from decades ago such as stone masonry and crafting gold jewellery. Instead they are left only with the ability to make shitty bags, chew coca leaves into a paste and impregnate their underage nieces.. oh and they fucking hate gringos!

This place was rediscovered in 1973 when the local farmers began murdering eachother for gold buried here.. it was built about 1400 years ago and was restored in the 90s

The third morning we set out early again and crossed a scary fucking river then climbed the 1200 steep stone steps. We finally reached the lost city which was just as awesome as it had looked in the photos! We were really lucky to have a clear day and the place was a lot less busy than i was expecting. We spent the rest of the morning here learning about its history and admiring the views before heading back for some lunch then started off on our back the way back to civilisation.

The photo doesn’t do it justice but this river crossing was scary as fuck made worse by the rainy season! We were told that 2 people had died crossing this mother fucker.. much like the superhero David Dunn from Unbreakable, I’m an athletic hunk on land but put me in the water and I become a scared little bitch!
These Colombians are serious about security!

By the fourth day we were all hanging and smelt horrendous. And yet again some dirty Cunt had decided to shit all over the toilet seats in the camp.. had the phantom shitter followed me to Colombia? Or was this a local tradition we weren’t informed about? Another 5am wake up for 7 hours or hiking to get us back to where we started!

Dripping with sweat, a foreskin full of smeg and stinking like a fucking tramp but still a solid 9.5/10

After 4 hard days we finally arrived back where we started for a lunch and a beer. Now anyone that tells you this trek isn’t hard is a fucking liar, it’s 60km with tough inclines and shitty terrain. It’s mentally and physically hard.. you will be tired, you will stink, you will get eaten alive by mossies and you will get blisters but at the same time it’s been fucking incredible and one of the highlights of my south america trip so far! Ive got to tip my hat to the guides, they are absolute monsters and make it look easy, I have no idea how they are able to do this week after week! René and Katja were awesome to do the trip with, these guys are fit as fuck and were really fun to be around the whole time. All in all the experience was fantastic and if you’re up for the challenge I couldn’t recommend it enough!

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The beaches of Colombia

It was a long old day flying to Cartegena with the squits. We had to rush round collecting our bags in Bogota before boarding our flight to Cartegena.. by the time we arrived at our digs gone midnight it felt like I’d shat myself 2 stone lighter and was absolutely hanging.We woke up in the morning and decided on a stroll into town, but that’s when we realised we had to walk through a fucking slum to get there! When you are as handsome as me anal rape is a legitimate worry so we were on red alert! The scabby locals were eyeing us up like bags of money for the taking on our 20 minute walk into town and even my dad was freaked out.. We spent one more night there before booking something in Getsemi which was the cool backpacker area near the centre of Cartegena.

Jimbo sporting headwear number 3 of this holiday.. this one is the best of the lot only scoring 6/10 on the sex offender scale!

This was alot more like the place we wanted to be. It was a lot more chilled out in this part of town and my anal virginity was safe for the time being. Our new hostel was spot on with a great location and friendly staff. The first day we wandered around exploring the street art which my dad absolutely loved.

Drugs, hippies and street art.. if it wasn’t so hot I’d think we were on Gloucester road!

The heat and humidity here were absolutely horrendous and took us by surprise. It was so bad between the hours of 12-4pm we were lucky if we could stay out in it for an hour! The next day we visited Cartegena’s old town which was pretty cool.

Fuck working, just drink all day and live in a doorway like this geezer.

The evenings were busy in Getsemni with people chilling out and drinking in the square most nights with street dancers and people tryings to sell you stuff! We both got offered a fair amount of drugs.. One lad selling bracelets offered me some cocaine, when I declined he told me that he’d get me arrested if i didnt buy any as he “ran the police and all the cameras in Cartegena” what a smart move to pose as a scruffy bloke selling £2 bacelets when you’re running a whole city! Somehow I escaped arrest that night..

I know every country likes to exaggerate it’s victories but for fucks sake atleast try and make it believable.. everyone knows the English don’t lose battles!

On our last day we visited the castle over looking the town. We sat and watched a video explaining it’s history.. it told a story about the English trying to invade Cartegena and with their 3 ships and their leader (who was missing most of his limbs) managed to repel the English fleet of 150 war ships.. The castle was interesting to walk round with its maze of underground tunnels and if we learned anything that day it’s that th Colombians can make up a cracking bed time story lol.We woke up early and caught the 6 hour shuttle bus to Palomino. This is cool little beach town on the Carribean coast so we can enjoy the beaches for my dad’s last week.

We started off with tubing down Palomino river, which after a 45 minute hike with our rubber rings (Jimbo was not a fan of this!) Involved us floating down the river enjoying the nature for a couple of hours.

On our second day in Palomino we headed out early to explore Tayrona park with Natalia who we met at our hostel/campsite. Tayrona is home to some of the most beautiful beaches and amazing scenary in Colombia. We hiked for a few hours before arriving at some incredible beaches. Aparently in high season it can get realy crowded but we were lucky enough to visit when it wasn’t very busy.

Whilst chilling on the beach we saw a coconut fall out of a huge tree and just missed the people chilling underneath it. The noise was loud as fuck..Would definitely be game over if one of those fuckers caught you on the head!

Tayrona definitely lived up to the hype and spending the day there was awesome. Me and Natalia took the 2 hour hike back whist the old man decided he was going to do his best John Wayne impression and ride home.

The poor steed is now waiting on a double hip replacement!

Banos, Quito and a round up of our 3 weeks in Ecuador

We ended up extending our stay to 6 nights in Banos as the place was fucking amazing. On Monday we headed up on the bus to the Casa De Arbol or for all you instagram super stars #SwingAtTheEndOfTheWorld! Ive seen some amazing photos of this swing but in exactly the same way as that 18 stone heffer on tinder makes her self look stunning with camera angle and filters this can be done with this swing!

One of the few photos of me without jims sausage fingers over the lense!

In truth you’re not really that high off the ground but the views from up here are still shit hot and it’s definitely worth popping up for a swing! There’s a nice garden up there where you can buy icecreams and the whole afternoon cost $3 each . We even had locals asking for pics with us.. I doubt they’d seen a pair of balding Russians before!

Tuesday we booked a trip white water rafting which we were both excited about. The last time I did this was with Paige in Montenegro and there were no rapids to be seen. This time was a different story as the water was pretty hectic!

This got the adrenaline pumping and a few times we were nearly thrown out of the boat. A stealthy local guy in a kyack followed us taking photos.. I think we were shitting ourselves too much to know he was there!

On our last day before travelling to Quito we sorted out our washing, bus tickets and other boring shit like that and bummed round the Hostel after being pretty flat out during our stay.. this place was really cool and sociable with film nights and brutal ping pong tournaments most evenings! Thursday was pretty much written off as a travel day.. we arrived in Quito, grabbed some food and had an early night.

Can definitely recommend Papacho’s hostel in Banos for a fun stay

We woke up in Quito ready for our first bit of exploring and joined in on on of the free city walking tours. Straight away we noticed the altitude was making walking around really hard work! It was an enjoyable few hours though and we learned that Quito is fucking massive!

The altitude of 2800m made me feel like fat Kye had come back to haunt me.. everything seemed twice as hard as it should have been!

Saturday we headed out to visit the equator line. This was pretty cool thing to see but aparently the line has recently found to have been miscalculated and is 250m out! There was loads to do here with lots of different museums and even a live rock band banging out Spanish covers of Metallica.

Dad was really excited about visiting the equator.. he’s swapped the du-rag for his new red hat as a less weird looking way to stop his head from burning!

For our final full day in Quito I decided I was going to hike the big fucking volcano, Rucu Pichincha overlooking the town. This fucker was just shy of 4700m high and still active so I knew it was going to be a right cunt to climb. The altitude made it especially difficult, towards the end it felt like I’d drank a bottle of whisky.. my head was spinning and my legs wouldn’t do what I wanted them to! I met an American guy named Jesse on the way up in the teleferico and we made the climb together.. it was nice to have someone to struggle with.

Massively out of breath and hanging out of our asses we scurried up the rocks like rodents to reach the top!
The views at the top were incredible and despite feeling gross from lack of oxygen it was fucking wicked. There was decent amount of rock climbing involved and mud skiing on the way down was a right laugh.

So today is our last day in Ecuador and we are flying to Colombia. This country has been awesome with friendly people, great food and incredibly varied landscapes. There is so much to do here on a backpacking budget and if you love an adventure and don’t mind a bit of diareah I’d highly recommend you visit!

On the subject of diareah i was hit by my 3rd and worst bout today after mine and Jimbo’s curry last night. He’s fine bu it’s been leaking out of my arse all day! Long story short I sharted whilst led in bed blasting my pants and unfortunately seeping through on to the bed! I did feel bad for the lovely family we were staying with but I’m sure dad will get the blame as out of the two of us he definitely looks like the one who can’t control his bowels haha!

Last bit of the coast and up into the hills of Banos!

Tuesday we caught the bus an hour from montanita to Machilla national park which contains some of the most amazing beaches in Ecuador. I’d Mangled my back training so was limping like fuck but along with Jim and his dodgey ankles we headed out on our hike like a pair of decrepid old pensioners!

It’s crazy that it’s winter here, it was still boiling hot and we both got sunburned as fuck!

First we hiked up to the viewpoint looking out over the sea and followed the trail to the 3 almost deserted postcard worthy beaches ending in the famous Los Frailes beach.

We were lucky enough to have the beaches almost to ourselves.
Despite me telling him that it made him look like a Russian sex offender my dad insisted on wearing his du-rag.. for fear of being associated with him I kept my distance until he took it off!

Our last day in Montanita we spent body boarding in the sea and chilling o the beach. El Cielo hostel here has been great and given us suggestions on some fantastic food and all week we didn’t have one bad meal. We made the most of being by the sea and scoffed fresh fish almost every day!

I don’t think we spent more than $10 for a meal and some of the lunches were as low as $3

To say thank you for being such great hosts dad invited Monika, Daniel and their daughter Layla out for a meal. They really did make us feel like part of the family!

After a great week on the coast it was finally time to leave for our next destination so we travelled 10 hours over 2 night buses to Banos. I slept through most of it but my back was in pieces and dad was pretty nackered when we arrived at 6am the next morning. Our hostel were really sound and let us straight into our room and offered us a free breakfast on arrival. So we scoffed that and got our heads down for a couple of hours. When we woke up we headed out to explore the town and I hiked up to one of the many viewpoints surrounding Banos.

We ended our day with a few hours in the thermal baths, which being a Friday night was rammed with locals. It looked like the in thing to do on the weekends here! Unfortunately I woke up in the night with horrendous diareah which initially we thought was the food we’d eaten but now believe it was the dirty, shit and piss filled water of the thermal baths.

Banos gets the thumbs up from Jimbo! He loves it here but his only critism of the place is that you’ve gotto walk in the roads because the paths are covered in dog shit!

Saturday morning we rented out bikes and headed off chasing waterfalls! It was a 22km ride mostly downhill, going past 7 waterfalls and ending with the Devils Cauldron.

The scenary in this part of the world is incredible, such a contrast from the coast.. everywhere you look is a fucking waterfall

No photos or videos we took of this big bastard has been able to do it justice. We got absolutely drenched trying to get close to it!

Sunday the old man was pretty wiped out so had the day off whilst I went canyoning. This basically involved hiking up one of the nearby large waterfalls and repelling/sliding/jumping back down it.

The health and safety wasn’t all that. But what do you expect for $25?

It felt like a low budget mission impossible film! Look at the bottom right of the video at the guy on the ground in the white helmet to get an idea of how high the final jump was. I have no idea how many meters it was but will admit despite looking quite calm I was absolutely shitting my pants!

If you enjoy bathing in luke warm Ecuadorian faecal matter then I strongly recommend visiting the thermal baths!

We finished off the week trying out the other thermal baths just out side Banos. Yet again I woke up in the early hours with another bout explosive shitting which has officially retired me from thermal baths South America!

That’s a round up of our 2nd week in South America! Xx

Leaving for South America- The beaches of Ecuador

I Have been talking about a South America trip ever since getting back from Asia and it seems to have come round really quick! Fuck being a grown up, i’ve quit my job and headed out on an adventure, so for anyone who enjoys reading my twisted memoirs I’ll be back blogging every week for the next 3 months! First things first, I’ve traded in my usual travel buddy Paige for a larger, older model with alot more miles on the clock! My dad, big Jim has set off with me for his first backpacking adventure. Really I think my mum made him come along to look after her idiot son!

A quick snack before a days adventure.. poor little bastard was never seen again

The main Lesson learned from Asia is that I packed way to much, this time round my bag is around 9-10kg which is about half of what it weighed last time and felt like heaven on my back in comparison. We said our goodbyes and headed off to the airport!

Forget mum and Paige, this has been the hardest goodbye!

After a coach to Heathrow, and 2 flights anda stop over we reached our destination just shy of 24 hours from leaving our house! Guyaquil… I’ll not beat around the bush, this place is an absolute stinking shit hole and I think my dad was regretting joining me on the trip at this point. We caught up on some sleep and only ventured out to get food and a sim card as not to get raped and robbed by the feral scum around here. A local lady in a restraunt warned us of how dangerous it was, so needless to say we stayed one night here to get over the long travel and headed on a bus to Montanita on the coast of Ecuador!

Dad has worked out that you don’t actually need to learn spanish.. if you talk load enough and use enough hand gestures you can get by!
El Cielo hostel, I could not recommend this place enough. The people here have gone above and beyond to make sure we are having a great stay in Montanita

This was more like it, a cool surfing town that turns into ecuadors party hot spot on weekends! We spent 3 nights here and stayed at the lovely El Cielo which is one of the best hostels I’ve ever stayed in. Monika and Daniel couldn’t do enough for us and their recommendations for food and trips has been excellent.

With the couple the ran our hostel and Dan from America.. he promised that if Trump ever became president he’d quit his job and leave the USA. The absolute legend hasn’t been back since and has just been continuously travelling the world on his bike!

We spent the afternoon we arrived and our first day exploring the town and it’s beaches.. because it’s their winter here some days have been a bit overcast but when the sun has come out it’s been lush.

Just need my hot pants and it would be just like being back in Benidorm!
Look at the size of this cunt just chilling by the path!

Friday night we headed out for some food and gave the famous cocktail alley a try! This place was absolutely heaving and had a great vibe. People here will openly try to sell you drugs but they’re not pushy about it.. it doesn’t seem to be policed at all.

Enjoying a drink in cocktail alley
Get your cocktails and cocaine here!

I think the old man wanted to hit an all night wild party but I talked him out of it as we’d booked a trip for Saturday morning. We got up early (no problem with this shitty jet lag!) And headed an hour on the bus to the fishing town of Puerto lopez to go whale watching!

We were told that the males sing songs for hours to attract a mate and it can be heard for miles around.. I tried this exact trick with Paige at Chloe and Rick’s wedding after sinking a bottle of whisky and it didn’t work!

This was absolutely incredible and watching these big bastards fling themselves out of the water to attract a mate was one of the most impressive things I’ve ever seen! We were lucky enough to catch the end of the breeding season here and saw plenty of hump backed whales on the 3 hour trip.

We explored Puerto lopez and had some lunch there before heading home for a chilled evening. Sunday morning we woke up packed our bags and headed to Olon 5 minutes down the road.. we stayed here a grand total of 1 night before crawling back to El Cielo due to a shitty hostel,terrible nights sleep and pretty much exploring the whole place in an hour so we have decided to base ourselves out of Montanita and head out on day trips to all the nearby towns!

Turns out the old man is a flash- packer and despite being one of the most fearless blokes I know can’t handle a few pubes in his bed haha

There’s a BJJ club in Montanita which I’ve managed to get some good rolls in friday and today. The guys here are really friendly and have made me feel very welcome. My dad came in to watch and got a few videos of my rolls..

Then I rented out a surf board and spent the next hour looking like a retard next to some shit hot surfers.. gotto get lessons and learn a bit of this as these guys look cool as fuck!

The food here has been great, fresh fish and other local dishes have been amazing and so far we have kept to our budget quite easily. I’m really glad I’ve learned some spanish before coming out here as it’s made things alot easier! That about sums up our firs week back packing. Stay cool xx

Montenegro

Before I quit my job and head off to South America in September it was only fair that me and Paige get away together for a week. She’s obviously going to spend 3 months pining for me whilst I’m out adventuring!After a bit of research we decided Montenegro would make an awesome budget holiday destination with great weather, food and nature.This was country 31 for me and the 22nd that we had done together as a couple in less than 5 years.We set out on Wednesday morning at 12.30am for Gatwick airport to catch our 5.50am flight and landed in Podorica, from here we took a 2.5 hour bus to the famous lake Kotor. After a long ass journey we were starving and knackered so grabbed some food at Tjanga grill before heading to our digs.

Despite being hanging we wanted to make the most of our first day and decided to hike up to the fortress that looks down over the lake. This was a steep 45 minute hike in the hot weather but the views were spot on!

Inside the fortress
Paige thinking she’s the Queen of the castle!

Thursday we rented bikes and cycled round the lake to Perast for a swim In the lake and a boat trip to “our Lady on the rocks” church. It was a 20km round trip on the bikes and we both got sunburned.. especially pasty old Paige! Perast had a pretty old town with a beautiful view of the lake. Paige’s legs were going like the clappers on her bike all the way there and back!

Paige at “our lady of the rocks”, an island on Kotor lake

Paige made me pose for this one.. aparently the statue’s small cocks reminded her of me!
The best roast lamb I’ve ever had!

For our 3rd and final day in Kotor we spent the day relaxing and swimming in the lake, a chilled one before our adventure in the mountains of Durmitor.

We spent the evening exploring the beautiful old town. It’s a walled town like a maze with small alleys looking like they lead to nowhere and then you’re out on another square full of restaurants and live music.. was cool to explore and take in the atmosphere.

This starter made us feel cultured as fuck, I went for black risotto with cuttlefish for my main.. it’s died black with squid ink and my shits were jet black for 3 days!

We woke up on the 4th day and caught the 4 hour bus to Zabljak to explore the famous Durmitor national park. The change in the weather was crazy, the temperature went from the mid 30s to the 20s and below with rain making us wish we’d packed jumpers!

The cool house we were staying in with a nice old couple

We dropped our bags off and headed out on a hike to the black lake. It was pretty drissly and dispite getting lost in the woods the views were shit hot.

The landscape in durmitor is fucking nuts!

Paige kept trying it on in the woods but the cold weather and fear of bears meant she wasn’t getting any here!

The value for money in Zabljak is amazing, top quality local meals with huge portions for between 5 and 8 euros.

These Balkan countries know how to fucking eat!

On our second day in Zabljak we woke up early to hike Bobatov Kuk. despite Milan who we were staying with telling us it was too dangerous to hike in this weather “please don’t go” thought fuck it lied to him and headed there anyway!

Nerdy fact- Bobatov kuk was up until recently believed to be the highest mountain in Montenegro with a height of 2523m but recently it’s been discovered that there is a higher peak on the border with Albania

It started off quite a nice day, for the two hours it took for us to get the bottom of the mountain. but just as we started the ascent the weather got pretty shitty. I thought Milan was just being a pussy but it turns out it’s pretty fucking dangerous up there! Windy and slippy as fuck and I was the only prick up there in just a T shirt and shorts!

Could of cut glass those nips!
Turns out Milan was right.. it was pretty fucking dangerous!
Paige waited at the first ridge whilst I threw caution to the wind and tried to make the summit. We’d ‘come this far so fuck it.. Unfortunately this was as high as I managed to get. The wind had picked up and during my scramble to the top, I shat my fucking pants as a strong gust nearly took me off the edge!

So freezing, drenched but pretty pleased with how far we got we headed back down the mountain. It was dodgey as fuck with the slippery surfaces and Paige fell ass over tit on the way down.

Somehow we got lost and it took us 4 and a half hours to get back to civilisation and at one point it looked like we were going to get lynched by a pack of goats. When we arrived at a carpark with people we were absolutely fucked and desperate to get home and there was not a taxi in site! Me and Paige both agreed were so cold we would suck a strangers dick for a lift home!

We managed to hitch hike back to Zabljak with two local guys who barely spoke any english. Despite me offering numerous times neither of them wanted their dick sucked or to have a go on my ass. What gentlemen!

For our final day in Durmitor we arranged to go rafting in the Tara canyon. It wasn’t the adrenaline pumping activity we had expected but it was still fun with some great views.

After I had a go on the zip line accross the canyon which was pretty fucking fast. Paige bought me this for a birthday present but didn’t fancy it herself!

After an action packed week we headed back to the capital before flying home. Montenegro is not on many people’s radar even though neighbouring Croatia has really taken off as a holiday destination the last few years. It’s a small country with an amazing landscape, friendly people and fantastic food, with plenty to do all for an absolute bargain. All in all we spent around €300 + flights each for a week here, similar to Macedonia and did alot for our money! We both rated it as one of our favourite destinations in Europe and we will definitely be visiting other Balkan countries in the future.

Montenegro = meat, cheese and manly portions!

Restormel castle and coastal walks through Newquay

Spent a long weekend in Newquay with Paige and my parents. We had beautiful weather and wanted to do some exploring! Originally we wanted to visit Tintagyl but it was still closed for restoration.

Restormel castle was next on the list of places to visit.

Was a cracking castle with a dried out moat and great views of the surrounding countryside. There were plenty of benches outside and it would have been a good spot to enjoy a picnic. It cost us around £10 for us both to enter, definitely worth a visit if you’re in Cornwall and took us about 40 minutes through winding country roads from Newquay.

The next day we decided to hike from our camp site to the centre. It was a beautiful windy day and we took a route along the cliffs and over the beaches

Clear skys and beautiful beaches it was an awesome day out. We met my mum and dad in the centre for some fish and chips and a few hours of crabbing in the harbour. Paige loves crabbing and so does my mum but they couldn’t catch anything.. the big fucking sea lions that live in the harbour were not there but overall it was a great day.

Finished our weekend with a meal at Scott and Babs which was a quirky restraunt near to the campsite. I went for the fish and had some of my dad’s shellfish starter. The meal was great but I think I’m allergic to shellfish as I woke up violently ill in the night. Everyone else was fine though so it was a great meal to Cap off a great weekend! Nice to spend some time with Paige and my parents, will be down more over the summer x

Oh yeah, I wear Du rags now and Paige fucking hates it!