A round up of my two months in London!

My two months in London has come to an end and it’s been a mad experience! I’ve managed to do and see alot of the touristy things that have been open in Central London. Its a fast pace of life, and its really weird not driving your car for weeks at a time.

Even the tramps here are waaay more upmarket than the tramps in Bristol 😉

I was really lucky to have stayed in a great part of London that was incredible when everything started to open up. I was just down the road from Borough Market, with loads of great pubs and places to eat.

Borough Market, where weirdos like me can try all sorts of food.. Including tradional Iraqi kubba!

During my evenings and weekends I tried to get out on the Borris bike as much as possible. £2 and you can ride these fuckers for as many 30 minute journeys as you want. Luckily there was a bike rack right outside my front door so I even wobbled home one them after a few drinks!

St Paul’s cathedral.. This Jesus bloke must have a few quid mind!
Trafalgar Square! 😁

Also was lucky enough to visit Camden Market when there were very few people there and finished off with a walk around little Venice

I’m told usually you can’t move walking through here but it was nice and chilled.. Still a fair few weirdos around though!
A nice stroll in the sun from Camden to Little Venice

I was also lucky enough to catch up with my amazing friends I met whilst travelling Asia! Gin, Sonal and Krupa are absolute legends and get themselves all over the world!

These ladies treated me to my first Japanese Bao! Absolutely incredible 👌

All in all my experience in London has been fucking ace. There were a few things I’d love to have seen when it was open but I definitely feel that I made the most of my time working there! I will 100% be popping back to visit the natural history museum though 😍

St James Park and some bad ass skate boarding place I walked past

The next leg of my Adventure is taking me to Leeds.. Which I’ve heard is meant to be ace. We will see if it lives up to its crazy reputation!

The Royal Albert Hall and a couple of other monuments I saw on my travels.. no fucking clue what they are but they look cool!

Living in London

2020 has been a weird series of ups and downs for me as I’m sure it has for a lot of people during this fucked up time. I came back from south America with a job lined up. Unfortunately, the builder went bust the week before I was due to start. Then after much job hunting and being skint I landed a great job and all was well or so I thought. Then life decided to pull down my pants and fuck me right in the arse. My girlfriend of 5 and a half years decided to show her true colours and run off with a bloke she fancied from work, I missed the furlough deadline and got laid off from my new job and then the UK was locked down all within 3 weeks! This was hands down the lowest and most worthless I’ve ever felt in my whole life.

Tower Bridge and views from the Thames

Fast forward a few months and life is has turned around, I’ve landed an even better job up in London where my company have rented me out a swanky shag pad next to the shard. I’m loving the work, getting to explore London in my spare time, training like an animal, saving more money than I thought possible and despite the long layoff, turns out I’m still quite good at talking women into taking their pants off!

The houses of Parliament and the London Eye.. Every time I come up here that big famous fucking clock is covered in scaffold though!

I wouldn’t have believed you at the start of the year if you’d have told me this is what life had in store over the last 6 months but I’m really proud of making good things come from a bad situation and I’ve learned a lot about myself and others over the last few months.

  • My ex was never the person I thought she was and I’m glad to be shot of her.
  • Talk about your problems, don’t worry about looking like a pussy.
  • Don’t keep all of your money locked away in ISAs.
  • There are some people who will literally do anything for someone they care about and I’m really lucky to have people like this in my life.
  • There are a lot of good oportunities in this world if you’re willing to step outside of your comfort zone and go for them.
  • The Chinese are probably going to cause the end of the world at some point so enjoy it while it lasts!
My boy Winston and some of the cockiest birds I’ve ever seen

The beauty of being self employed with zero ties to the UK is that as soon as the borders are open I’m off on a mad adventure. I’m planning on hitting some travelling then going to work in NZ then who the fuck knows. I’m literally free as a bird and am really excited to see what the future has in store! Fingers crossed I’ll be away by the end of the year and back blogging regularly. If you’re going through shit right now, just dig in and keep pushing forward every day and things will get better!

Swung by for a blowie off our Liz and and pint with my mate Boris!

Argentina- hunting UFOS and big fuck off waterfalls

After last week of being dragged into the Coyote’s drunken benidorm-like lifestyle we decided to stop being pissed up messes and do some proper sight seeing!We met a girl on our trip to the Andes who told us about Capilla Del monte, a small town famous for Alien landings a few hours outside Cordoba. So like the real life Scooby do and shaggy we hopped on a bus and headed there to solve some mysteries!

Our mission.. find one of those little green bastards and drag him on an all dayer with us!

We headed off to visit the UFO museum which turned out to be some old ladies living room with years and years of UFO information stuck to the walls. In 1986 and 1987 there were two separate UFO incidents in the same place.. the ground was completely dehydrated in a circle on the mountain and frogs and other wild life were found not burned like a fire but completely drained of all moisture. This happened two years running in exactly the same place. Also unexplained lights are spotted in the sky many times per year here.

Pretty sure if I’d have left the Coyote and the crazy alien lady alone he’d have ended up fucking her..

The nature here was really nice and the place was full of hippies. Balsey insisted i did a tarrot reading where the bloke kept pulling out the “Fool” card which we thought meant that I was a right belter! We swam in the local river which was absolutely freezing. explored the town and visited “the shoe” rock formation.

No aliens so far.. Plenty of fucking hippies though!

On our final day we hiked the mystical mountain that was drawing the aliens here.. mount Uritorco. Underneath here is supposidly where the Urks live, which is said to be either an Alien Base or a gateway to another dimension. In 2012 the mountain had to be closed because of the predicted end of the world as local weirdos were trying to arrange a mass spiritual suicide at the top!

We set off with our anuses freshly lubed ready for probing and headed up the mountain. On our way we were followed by a tiny dog we named Donny. This little legend followed us the whole way and was as loyal as they come! It was only on the way back down we realised Donny was actually a girl so we renamed her Donna!

We fell in love with our little mate, fed and watered her then dropped her back to her house. She was absolutely shattered by the end of the hike!

The 7 hour hike up and down took us to athletic hunks 4 and a half. We chilled for an hour at the top and had some lunch with Donna. We didn’t see any Aliens or attempted suicides but the views were awesome! On the way back down we asked in a shop where Donna lived.. they pointed us too her house and told us that she gets everywhere!

The dream team at the top. I’m sure Donna follows a different gang of alien hunting weirdos up here every day!

Due to time and budget restraints me and the Coyote had to part ways for a few days, he headed to Rosario for a few days (where he fucked a girl with a hunchback) and I headed to Iguazu. The famous waterfalls here are between Argentina and Brazil and is the biggest system of waterfalls in the world.

There’s not really much more to say about this place except it is by far the most amazing group of waterfalls I’ve ever seen!

I spent the day here wandering round and viewing the waterfalls. They were out of this word and definitely one of the most impressive things I’ve seen in person. I took the boat trip around the falls and they drove us into the falls. The power of it was nuts nearly blasting the go pro out of my hand and the whole boat was drenched! The wild life here was also pretty nuts, saw a couple of crocodiles, loads of birds and these big tame rat things that try and Rob your food!

Waterfall rainbow!

Despite being away from the coyote I couldn’t escape drinking as I was fortunate enough to meet up with another one of Bristol’s drunken legends! Mr Jack Gough and his girlfriend Maddison were also travelling south America and our paths managed to cross so we ended up grabbing some food, smashing a few bottles of wine and chatting shit until the bar shut. Ofcourse they recieved an invite for food round the caravan haha. Iguazu was a nice place and could have done with a few more days here really!

Despite our reputations for being drunken idiots we didn’t get kicked out of any bars and all our clothes stayed on!

Argentina.. enter the Coyote

I flew from La Paz to Mendoza Argentina which in total took about 12 hours from leaving my hostel to arriving in the next one. The first thing I noticed was how Westernised it was compared with anywhere else I’d been in south America. The hostel seemed cool, so I grabbed some food, bought some socks from a homeless looking guy (as nearly all of mine had gone in Bolivia) and got an early night.

Me sporting my dog shit market clothes and the Coyote doing what he does best.. making the place look untidy and dropping nickers with his Spanish!

The next day the living legend and stunt double for sea sick Steve had arrived looking even more homeless and haggard than I remember! He was hanging from his night bus so I found a grappling club and had some solid rolls whilst he slept. That night we joined in at the hostal BBQ for some meat and a few wines. I headed to bed around midnight whilst the Coyote stayed up until 3am getting drunk and nearly ended up fucking a huge German bird we nicknamed Gustav!

Grappling, fountains, tramps and stray dog tour guides!

For our first day we headed out and explored Mendoza, seeing the plazas, a fair few tramps and taking a guided tour from a stray dog which fell in love with Balsey and we now belive was his spirit animal!

The steak here is shit hot, even the stuff we’re cooking ourselves. Oh yeah after years of laughing at me Balsey has joined the piles club and has to cream his grapes daily!

We hit the crown jewel of Mendoza and did a self guided tour on bikes of Mendozas wineries. What started out as a classy affair didn’t take long to turn into a drunken free for all and brutal all dayer! Was a class day and my first experience drinking red wine involved me vomiting eeeverywhere and crawling to bed at 8pm. All outside our hostal, my clothes and our bathroom was covered in pink lumpy vom!

It didn’t take long until we were nausing off winery owners and doing everyone’s head in. The Coyote even had time to sketch me slumped in the bathroom being sick on myself!

At 2.30 am I was woken up with my head thumping and trying to piece together what had happened. When I’d come to my senses it had become aparent that the coyote was going down on some scrotter he’d met after going back. Apparently before this they’d had sex in a restaurant toilet and in the middle of the street so a real classy girl! When the loud sex and my hangover became to much to bare I stumbled out wearing only my sick covered shorts and trainers in search of food and water. I found a scabby burger place called “dog burger” spewed up once more for luck all over their bathroom and got myself a burger and something to drink. The next morning the girl was sat up in bed with her tits and fanny out casually talking with us and made no attempt to cover herself up before the coyote started porking her again, neither of them giving a flying fuck I was less than 3 feet away. I went down stairs and left them to it, finding out after that the girl had asked Balsey if I would be game for a 3 way!

Awesome scenary and including Aconcagua the highest mountain outside of the Himalayas at 6900m!

After a day of being hungover messes we booked a day tour to the Andes mountains for some proper sight seeing! The scenary was cracking and we ended up having a real laugh with the people on our trip! From here we showered, ate and chilled out before catching the night bus to Cordoba.

After a chilled out day recovering from the bus, we napped and woke up around 9pm for some food and pre drinks before sampling the crazy nightlife of Cordoba. Here nothing kicks off until midnight and the clubs stay open until 5-6 am. We hit some bars and ended up in a club before stumbling home at 6.30am. Yet again the Coyote pulled with his dirty Spanish charm and I batted off the advances of her horny drunk friend, who forgot she had a boyfriend and decided I reminded her of Bjorn from vikings!

We managed to squeeze some sight seeing into Cordoba whilst recovering from our hangovers

That dirty fucking Coyote has changed the tone of my trip so far! Fuck it, its been great to catch up with him and it feels like we’ve been laughing and pissing about non stop! But its not all been about being international scum bags.. we’ve taken to giving his students lessons in Bristolian as our daily good deed!

Bolivia- The salt flats and lake titicaca

I arrived back in La Paz after the Amazon to find that there had been political protests throughout the country. The police were lined up in the centre and things were looking like they were about to go off! I was talking to a guy in a restaurant who said that they were firing off tear gas at the protesters near his hostel!Luckily I only had to spend one night in the war zone before I was off to visit Bolivia’s most famous tourist attraction- the salt flats of Uyuni. I took an overnight bus and arrived in the small town of Uyuni at 6.30am, grabbed some breakfast then headed out on my tour of the salt flats. I opted for the one day tour because I visited the Amazon and I wanted some money left over to enjoy the pricier Argentina!

Tetanus playground!

The first stop was the train Graveyard which was an old train station where they bring all the old fucked up trains and dump them in the dessert. It was basically a rusty adult play ground where you can climb all over the old trains. Health and safety doesn’t seem to exist in South america so make sure you’ve got your tetanus jab and go for it! Also I bought a DAKAR hat here for £3 without knowing what the fuck it was, to stop my bald head from burning.. turns out it’s some big motorbike racing tour through the desert, so now I’m a top motorbike fan boy!

We stopped off at a hotel made mostly from salt in the middle of the desert. The motorbike nerds bring flags here to pay honour to their gods in hope that one day they can finally stick their dick in a real live woman instead of an exhaust pipe. We also visited an island full of fucking huge cactuses.. some of them were over 8m tall, I didn’t know they grew that big!

Atleast Godzilla was here to scare those fucking Chinese tourists away!

Next our guide took us to his favourite spot for some cool perspective photos with his props! Because it’s perfectly flat for miles these photos work really well!

It’s easy to see why this is one of the most talked about places in south america

For the grand finale we were taken to watch sun set over the salt flats, we hadn’t come at the best time of year for this but it was still fucking amazing.

By the time we got back to Uyuni around 7.30pm I was absolutely hanging and spent the next hour wandering around trying to find my hostel as my phone was dead. There were protests again here and but I was just happy to have a bed for the night instead of a seat on a bus!

Lucky I’ve been practising my yoga poses..

The next morning I woke up and tried to get a bus to Sucre to see the world’s biggest collection of dinosaur fossils which I was excited as a little kid to see. Unfortunately Sucre had been his hard by the protests and the fuckers have been burning down buildings and rioting there! Try as I might there were no buses going there so unfortunately I had to miss this bit out of my trip. This meant waiting round from 10 am until 9pm and doubling back to La Paz on an over night bus, then taking the first bus to lake Titicaca totaling of a 14 hour trip + 11 hours waiting around the day before.

Cute little lamas.. almost made me feel bad for eating them!

After this i was absolutely shagged. After an early night I woke up and headed out to explore Copacabana. There was a nice view point to hike and some amazing scenary but apart from that not a great deal to do here. The lake trout was cheap as fuck at £2.50 for a big old slab with rice, potatoes and salad!

The highest lake in the world at 3600m above sea level

Early the next morning I caught a boat to Isla de Sol on the lake and spent the day walking round and exploring. It was beautiful but due to 2/3 of the island being shut off to tourists I managed to get round most of it in a day and spent a couple of hours chilling by the lake side.

From here i headed back to Lapaz and spent a couple of days relaxing and sorting my shit out. Unfortunately some old bitch was supposed to do my washing but shut her shop up and wouldn’t answer my calls. So I’m now missing half my clothes as I fly out to Argentina. If the kinky old cunt really wanted to keep a pair of my soiled underpants so much I’d have given them to her! If anyone is in the La Paz area, please message me to discuss a reward for taking a shit on on her laundry counter, the place doesn’t seem to have a name but I can give you directions!Overall Bolivia has been an amazing, budget friendly country with alot of cool stuff to see and do. The food has been really good and I’ve had the opportunity to add Lama, Alpaca and Pirhana to my list of weird food. Also a special mention to the Picu Macho and the Lake trout aswell! For the first time on my trip I have felt a bit lonely here the last few days as my hostel in La Paz wasnt the most sociable place. However my trip is probably going to take a different direction now as I’m meeting my old buddy the Coyote. This fucker is absolutely nuts, and since he’s moved to Spain to shag half the population of Santander (male, female or vulnerable animal) we only get together at Christmas so I’m looking forward to some crazy adventures over the next few weeks!

Senor Coyote!!

Bolivia- The capital city in the clouds and exploring the Amazon!

I got the plane from Medellin and arrived in La Paz in the early hours of the morning. La Paz is the highest capital city in the world at 3600m above sea level. I knew from our time in Quito that adjusting to this altitide was going to be a right cunt. For the first few days so took it easy with minimally active day trips until I felt like I’d started to acclimatise. It was definitely harder walking round the city but that I could deal with and I didn’t have headaches or dizzyness, my altitude sickness symptoms seemed to manifest in horrendous gas, no apitite and vile insomnia! But I saw two girls getting carried to an ambulance and put on oxygen so it could have been much worse.

The witches market is definitely creepy but still no where near as fucked up as what goes on in the Catholic Church..

I visited the witches market which was for the most part a normal market selling souvenirs but with a few weirdos flogging lama phoetuses and other odd stuff for magic potions. I promised Paige I’d ask, but unfortunately no amount of ground up tiger claw or chicken blood would make my cock any bigger!

Views of the city in the clouds!

There are some cracking view points aound La Paz, definitely worth the getting out of breath for. I also rode the Teleferico here which is the highest cable car system in the world. It’s a great way of getting around the city whilst taking in the views and it costs next to nothing.

Fill this place up with the fine folk of Knowle West and you wouldn’t be able to tell it apart from Mordor!

The Valle de la luna is just outside of the city and has the strangest landscape I’ve ever seen. How the fuck did the rocks form like this in a land logged country miles above sea level?!

Only in South America would “the world’s most dangerous road” be turned in to a tourist attraction

When my lungs had finally started working again I signed up for a bit of mountain biking down death road. This was once considered the most dangerous road in the world where cars and lorrys would regularly fall to their deaths travelling this winding mountain road. In recent years it has become one of La Paz’s main attractions for idiots on mountain bikes. This definitely got the adrenaline pumping descending 2500m over 25km with amazing views the whole way. I went for the least costly option with just front suspension on the bike.. if it’s in your budget I’d recommend paying abit more for the full suspension bikes as by the time we’d finished it felt like the Rock and Terry Crews had been taking it in turns to have a go on my ass!

Through the hotel I was staying at I booked a 3 day trip to the amazon which looked absolutely amazing. This was one of the things that i really wanted to do in South America so couldnt wait for this! I flew to Rurrenabaque in a tiny plane and landed in an airport that was pretty much a large shed! The next morning 6 of us were picked up from the hostel and headed out for a boat tour round the Amazon pampas.

Turtles, toucans, more alligators and Camen than you can imagine and Capibarras which are the world’s largest rodents.. these are basically dumb as fuck hamsters that grow up to 65kg!

The wildlife was fucking awesome, in the 3 hour boat ride down the river I was literally blown away by the amount and diversity of animals all living together.

We saw a couple of giant fucking camen which were around 5m long. If those fuckers wanted to eat you there’s not a thing you could do!

The photo doesn’t do it justice but this thing was like a fucking dinosaur at 5m or so in length, it had bagged itself a capibarra and was just chomping on it!

The second day we headed out snake hunting with our guide Gary (though I’m sure that wasn’t his real name!). He was telling us that deep on a trek in the amazon he’d found a 9m anaconda as thick as a person’s waist and said that at that size they are extremely dangerous.. no fucking shit. Within the first few minutes we’d come accross a snake. Gary chased it into a bush and was trying to catch it, me and another guy were trying to help but it got away.. only afterwards we were told that it was a type of rattle snake and was very poisonous!

My boy Gary ensured me that although this fucker was a type cobra it was safe to wear as a scarf!

I spotted this fucker lurking in the bushes and screamed for my Bolivian hero to catch it.. in a flash Gary was all over it. Aparently these cobras are not overly poisonous, even so this fucker was crazy. I was shitting myself just watching him! He was laughing and joking as the thing tried to bite him.

In the afternoon we went fishing for piranhas using raw meat as bait. Literally within seconds of the meat hitting the water the little fuckers had nabbed it! We managed to catch 9-10 piranhas worth eating and the little ones we used as bait.. There wasn’t much meat on them but they didn’t taste bad at all!

I caught a couple of decent ones but only took a photo with this little runt as he was my first.. I named him Jermaine but he ended up getting chopped up for bait!

On the evening we watched a nice sun set and came back along the river in the dark.. all you could see was 100s of eyes reflecting the torch light as the Camen came out to hunt. Our guide wouldn’t stop the boat as it was too dangerous.. every now and again you’d hear the fuckers barking like dogs and we were all glad to get back safe and sound!

On our last day we headed out to find the pink river dolphins.. We only found a couple of baby ones so they had yet to go pink and they were almost impossible to catch on video. We got the opportunity to go swimming with them but no fucking way was I getting in that water after seeing the dangers that lived in it!

It was a great 3 days and one of the best trips I’ve ever done. If you’re heading to Bolivia I’d strongly recommend doing this trip! So far Bolivia has been wicked and it’s the cheapest country up til now on the trip.

A quick stop in Santa marta before hitting the city of Pablo Escobar!

After 4 days of tough hiking to the lost city I needed some down time to recover and get my clothes washed as I smelt worse than most tramps. So I spent a couple of days not doing a great deal in Santa Marta. Me and René met up for some food.. apart from that I slept, ate and just had a chilled out wander around the place

Check out the crazy crack head climbing a coconut tree

A few people I spoke to said that they felt very unsafe here.. there were the odd few weirdos but nothing worse than I’d seen during my time living in Knowle West!

From Santa Marta I flew to Medellin, the famous city of Pablo Escobar. I stayed in Poblado which is the trendy backpacker part of town.. Instead of £3-5 Colombian meals it was more along the lines of sushi bars and posh vegan places for western prices owned by robbing hippy cunts. As you’d expect from the city that inspired narcos on most corners there’s a dodgy looking bloke offering you cocaine for £4 a gram any time day or night.

Medellin’s top sculptor Botero, has covered the centre with overweight statues with tiny dicks.. I believe he was inspired by the naked antics of fat Kye over the years at Newquay!

The first day I did a walking tour of the city centre. It was pretty cool and gave an interesting view into the city’s history as well all the terror it has faced over the years. The city centre was much different to Poblado and we were advised not to go there at night.. with tramps sniffing glue out of plastic bags and old men picking up hookers in broad daylight I’d dread to think what it was like late at night! Still it was good to see the real city as opposed to the hipster cafes of Poblado.

In 1995 a bomb was set off at a music concert in central Medellin. It killed 30 people and injured over 200 blowing a hole in this statue. Even after the days of Pablo the place was being terrorised by assholes.

The next day instead of paying £25 for a tour I hopped on the metro and headed for District 13 costing a grand total of £1.50 return. This place used to be a war torn barrio with regular shoot outs and murders over drugs, now it’s been turned around with the gang that run it allowing a large part of it to be turned into a safe tourist area covered in graffiti, street dancers, stalls selling booze and souvenirs. Everyone seems happy and I got zero bad vibes about the place whatsoever. I was told afterwards a short walk outside of this neighborhood and you’re fair game for being robbed so good job I didn’t wander too far!

The place reminded me of St Pauls carnival, but all year round!

These street dancers were really fucking good. Good job they weren’t selling cheap bottles of whisky here or my drunken alter ego would have whipped out his hot pants and joined in!

René and Katja came to Medellin so we met up to do the gringo thing and did a Pablo Escobar tour. Our guide was really knowledgeable and gave us a no-bullshit tour of what Pablo did to the city.

The dream team re-united!

We started off by visiting the rooftop where he died. He was shot along with his body guard by Los Pepes who where another gang of crazy bastards that wanted Pablo out of the picture. He climbed out through a window of one of his safe houses and tried to escape accross a roof before being shot.. the belief is that he was not fatally wounded but with no way out shot himself in the head. Next we were taken to his grave.. I wonder if Adolf Hitler has flowers regularly put on his grave.. because Pablo does!

Top- the roof where he was shot dead

Bottom- Pablo Escobar’s grave

We took a drive through a Barrio, where we saw full on drug deals and gangs of crazy looking fuckers.. we had to drive with our windows down, seat belts off and no photographs.. Aparently these areas are so bad the police just leave them to it! I wish I could have taken some pictures because this place was fucking nuts but even I wasn’t stupid enough to fuck about here.

What used to be Pablo Escobar’s prison.. it’s now an old people’s home ran by nuns!

Finally we visited the remains of his prison overlooking Medellin.. that he built and ran himself, his henchmen were the guards and they had parties here and did whatever the fuck he wanted for over a year until the Colombian government decided to put him in a proper jail. Pablo did a runner and they never caught him. The long and short of it was that the guy was a ruthless terrorist and all though he built some houses for poor people the bad he did massively outweighed the good! It was an interesting experience and I learned alot..

  • He was at one point the 7th richest man in the world
  • The guy had multiple planes and submarines for smuggling cocaine
  • Was responsible for the deaths of over 5000 people
  • Would give his hit men a cash bonus every time they killed a police officer
  • At his peak was smuggling 15 tonnes of coke daily into the US
  • Had so much cash stored in warehouse he spent $2500 a month on elastic bands to wrap it up

That’s the end of my 3 weeks in Colombia. It’s been fucking awesome and from my experience really safe for tourists. If you like nice beaches, hot weather, graffiti and cheap drugs book it up for your next holiday!

Palomino and Hiking to the lost city

For my dad’s last few days we rented a hut right on the beach, it was basic, but the location was amazing.

Waking up to this on a morning was fucking lush!

We didn’t do much for four days except swimming in the sea, wandering the beach and the odd yoga class. The perfect end to the old man’s month long holiday. He absolutely loved it and was a great guy to travel with. It was brilliant to have an adventure with him as it’s something alot of father and sons don’t get the chance to do.. I reckon he’s got atleast one more in him before he’s too old! I’m definitely going to miss him out here x

Palomino is a chilled out little town perfect for being a beach bum for a few days

I said goodbye to the old man as he headed to the airport and I headed to Santa Marta to get my hiking shoes on in search of the lost city! As luck would have it Turcol was located next door to my hotel so I booked up with them and set of the following morning for 4 days of sweaty jungle hiking.

60km jungle treck up a down a fucking mountain.. not a problem for team Cutchi Cutchi!

I was really lucky to be in a small group with a great Dutch Couple René and Katja who, as luck would have it had a sense of humour as dark and fucked up as mine! Our guides Janeth and Sergio were fucking awesome and looked after us the whole time, even sorting me out with double food portions to satisfy my abnormal apitite!

I was expecting shitty food so packed a carrier bag full of rations.. luckily the food on the trip was spot on and they definitely didn’t let us go hungry!

The first morning we left the Turcol office and drove 2 hours in the bumpiest jeep ride I’ve ever experienced to the start of the trek where we had lunch and began our hike. The first day consisted of 4 and a half hours of steep inclines.. for me this was ok, I’m pretty good at going up hill so enjoyed getting to know the team and taking in the beautiful mountain scenary. We reached the first camp, had our meal and headed to bed for the night.

The second day is where the real work began.. we were woken at 5am for breakfast at 5.30 and on the trail by 6am for 7 hours of hiking. This is also where the first scandal occurred.. some dirty bitch had shat all over the toilet seat in the girls bathroom! Straight away I was reminded of the “phantom shitter” who unleashed a wave of brown terror at St Brendans college during our teenage years!

The Infamous coca plant.. it takes 1kg of leaves to make a gram of the white stuff!

Personally I found this day the hardest and it was made worse by the rain that hit us in the afternoon but we knew what we’d signed up for. We got to swim in the river at lunch time which was a nice way of cooling down! That morning was also our first contact with the indigenous people who lived on the mountain.. I won’t sugar coat this, these guys are inbred to fuck and alot of them seem severly retarded. Generations of fucking their family members seems to have caused them to forget their useful skills from decades ago such as stone masonry and crafting gold jewellery. Instead they are left only with the ability to make shitty bags, chew coca leaves into a paste and impregnate their underage nieces.. oh and they fucking hate gringos!

This place was rediscovered in 1973 when the local farmers began murdering eachother for gold buried here.. it was built about 1400 years ago and was restored in the 90s

The third morning we set out early again and crossed a scary fucking river then climbed the 1200 steep stone steps. We finally reached the lost city which was just as awesome as it had looked in the photos! We were really lucky to have a clear day and the place was a lot less busy than i was expecting. We spent the rest of the morning here learning about its history and admiring the views before heading back for some lunch then started off on our back the way back to civilisation.

The photo doesn’t do it justice but this river crossing was scary as fuck made worse by the rainy season! We were told that 2 people had died crossing this mother fucker.. much like the superhero David Dunn from Unbreakable, I’m an athletic hunk on land but put me in the water and I become a scared little bitch!

These Colombians are serious about security!

By the fourth day we were all hanging and smelt horrendous. And yet again some dirty Cunt had decided to shit all over the toilet seats in the camp.. had the phantom shitter followed me to Colombia? Or was this a local tradition we weren’t informed about? Another 5am wake up for 7 hours or hiking to get us back to where we started!

Dripping with sweat, a foreskin full of smeg and stinking like a fucking tramp but still a solid 9.5/10

After 4 hard days we finally arrived back where we started for a lunch and a beer. Now anyone that tells you this trek isn’t hard is a fucking liar, it’s 60km with tough inclines and shitty terrain. It’s mentally and physically hard.. you will be tired, you will stink, you will get eaten alive by mossies and you will get blisters but at the same time it’s been fucking incredible and one of the highlights of my south america trip so far! Ive got to tip my hat to the guides, they are absolute monsters and make it look easy, I have no idea how they are able to do this week after week! René and Katja were awesome to do the trip with, these guys are fit as fuck and were really fun to be around the whole time. All in all the experience was fantastic and if you’re up for the challenge I couldn’t recommend it enough!

The beaches of Colombia

It was a long old day flying to Cartegena with the squits. We had to rush round collecting our bags in Bogota before boarding our flight to Cartegena.. by the time we arrived at our digs gone midnight it felt like I’d shat myself 2 stone lighter and was absolutely hanging.We woke up in the morning and decided on a stroll into town, but that’s when we realised we had to walk through a fucking slum to get there! When you are as handsome as me anal rape is a legitimate worry so we were on red alert! The scabby locals were eyeing us up like bags of money for the taking on our 20 minute walk into town and even my dad was freaked out.. We spent one more night there before booking something in Getsemi which was the cool backpacker area near the centre of Cartegena.

Jimbo sporting headwear number 3 of this holiday.. this one is the best of the lot only scoring 6/10 on the sex offender scale!

This was alot more like the place we wanted to be. It was a lot more chilled out in this part of town and my anal virginity was safe for the time being. Our new hostel was spot on with a great location and friendly staff. The first day we wandered around exploring the street art which my dad absolutely loved.

Drugs, hippies and street art.. if it wasn’t so hot I’d think we were on Gloucester road!

The heat and humidity here were absolutely horrendous and took us by surprise. It was so bad between the hours of 12-4pm we were lucky if we could stay out in it for an hour! The next day we visited Cartegena’s old town which was pretty cool.

Fuck working, just drink all day and live in a doorway like this geezer.

The evenings were busy in Getsemni with people chilling out and drinking in the square most nights with street dancers and people tryings to sell you stuff! We both got offered a fair amount of drugs.. One lad selling bracelets offered me some cocaine, when I declined he told me that he’d get me arrested if i didnt buy any as he “ran the police and all the cameras in Cartegena” what a smart move to pose as a scruffy bloke selling £2 bacelets when you’re running a whole city! Somehow I escaped arrest that night..

I know every country likes to exaggerate it’s victories but for fucks sake atleast try and make it believable.. everyone knows the English don’t lose battles!

On our last day we visited the castle over looking the town. We sat and watched a video explaining it’s history.. it told a story about the English trying to invade Cartegena and with their 3 ships and their leader (who was missing most of his limbs) managed to repel the English fleet of 150 war ships.. The castle was interesting to walk round with its maze of underground tunnels and if we learned anything that day it’s that th Colombians can make up a cracking bed time story lol.We woke up early and caught the 6 hour shuttle bus to Palomino. This is cool little beach town on the Carribean coast so we can enjoy the beaches for my dad’s last week.

We started off with tubing down Palomino river, which after a 45 minute hike with our rubber rings (Jimbo was not a fan of this!) Involved us floating down the river enjoying the nature for a couple of hours.

On our second day in Palomino we headed out early to explore Tayrona park with Natalia who we met at our hostel/campsite. Tayrona is home to some of the most beautiful beaches and amazing scenary in Colombia. We hiked for a few hours before arriving at some incredible beaches. Aparently in high season it can get realy crowded but we were lucky enough to visit when it wasn’t very busy.

Whilst chilling on the beach we saw a coconut fall out of a huge tree and just missed the people chilling underneath it. The noise was loud as fuck..Would definitely be game over if one of those fuckers caught you on the head!

Tayrona definitely lived up to the hype and spending the day there was awesome. Me and Natalia took the 2 hour hike back whist the old man decided he was going to do his best John Wayne impression and ride home.

The poor steed is now waiting on a double hip replacement!

Banos, Quito and a round up of our 3 weeks in Ecuador

We ended up extending our stay to 6 nights in Banos as the place was fucking amazing. On Monday we headed up on the bus to the Casa De Arbol or for all you instagram super stars #SwingAtTheEndOfTheWorld! Ive seen some amazing photos of this swing but in exactly the same way as that 18 stone heffer on tinder makes her self look stunning with camera angle and filters this can be done with this swing!

One of the few photos of me without jims sausage fingers over the lense!

In truth you’re not really that high off the ground but the views from up here are still shit hot and it’s definitely worth popping up for a swing! There’s a nice garden up there where you can buy icecreams and the whole afternoon cost $3 each . We even had locals asking for pics with us.. I doubt they’d seen a pair of balding Russians before!

Tuesday we booked a trip white water rafting which we were both excited about. The last time I did this was with Paige in Montenegro and there were no rapids to be seen. This time was a different story as the water was pretty hectic!

This got the adrenaline pumping and a few times we were nearly thrown out of the boat. A stealthy local guy in a kyack followed us taking photos.. I think we were shitting ourselves too much to know he was there!

On our last day before travelling to Quito we sorted out our washing, bus tickets and other boring shit like that and bummed round the Hostel after being pretty flat out during our stay.. this place was really cool and sociable with film nights and brutal ping pong tournaments most evenings! Thursday was pretty much written off as a travel day.. we arrived in Quito, grabbed some food and had an early night.

Can definitely recommend Papacho’s hostel in Banos for a fun stay

We woke up in Quito ready for our first bit of exploring and joined in on on of the free city walking tours. Straight away we noticed the altitude was making walking around really hard work! It was an enjoyable few hours though and we learned that Quito is fucking massive!

The altitude of 2800m made me feel like fat Kye had come back to haunt me.. everything seemed twice as hard as it should have been!

Saturday we headed out to visit the equator line. This was pretty cool thing to see but aparently the line has recently found to have been miscalculated and is 250m out! There was loads to do here with lots of different museums and even a live rock band banging out Spanish covers of Metallica.

Dad was really excited about visiting the equator.. he’s swapped the du-rag for his new red hat as a less weird looking way to stop his head from burning!

For our final full day in Quito I decided I was going to hike the big fucking volcano, Rucu Pichincha overlooking the town. This fucker was just shy of 4700m high and still active so I knew it was going to be a right cunt to climb. The altitude made it especially difficult, towards the end it felt like I’d drank a bottle of whisky.. my head was spinning and my legs wouldn’t do what I wanted them to! I met an American guy named Jesse on the way up in the teleferico and we made the climb together.. it was nice to have someone to struggle with.

Massively out of breath and hanging out of our asses we scurried up the rocks like rodents to reach the top!

The views at the top were incredible and despite feeling gross from lack of oxygen it was fucking wicked. There was decent amount of rock climbing involved and mud skiing on the way down was a right laugh.

So today is our last day in Ecuador and we are flying to Colombia. This country has been awesome with friendly people, great food and incredibly varied landscapes. There is so much to do here on a backpacking budget and if you love an adventure and don’t mind a bit of diareah I’d highly recommend you visit!

On the subject of diareah i was hit by my 3rd and worst bout today after mine and Jimbo’s curry last night. He’s fine bu it’s been leaking out of my arse all day! Long story short I sharted whilst led in bed blasting my pants and unfortunately seeping through on to the bed! I did feel bad for the lovely family we were staying with but I’m sure dad will get the blame as out of the two of us he definitely looks like the one who can’t control his bowels haha!